Why I need a man

There is a teacher at Institute that bugs me. He teaches Marriage Prep and the few times I've gone to his class I leave frustrated with how he teaches and some of the things that he said. I'm just not a fan. In a couple classes he said that women no longer need men. The first time he said that, I immediately got out a piece of paper and wrote down as many things that I could think of that I need a man for. I had a pretty good list going by the time class was done.

A few weeks ago I ended up in his class on accident. We were talking about myths/misconceptions that persist around marriage. It was interesting and a good thing to talk about, but yet again he said that women don't need men. I take offense when he says that. It bugs me like no other. Mostly because he always couples it with women can provide for themselves, therefore men are irrelevant. I know of no man that is irrelevant in my life.

I will admit that he is right, to some degree. I don't need a man to bring home the bacon. But that doesn't mean I don't want one to do just that. It would be wonderful to not have that burden on my shoulders anymore. I simply want to be a stay at home mom - that burden I will gladly and willingly accept.

What bothers me the most about it is that I look at my life and I can see just where a man should be. The last year of my life was hell. I moved to Provo to watch my sister’s 5 kids while she dealt with her husband having a terminal brain tumor. The one thing I desperately needed this year was a man. Someone to be there to hold me in the night when I could no longer ignore reality. Someone to give me a reason to fight to live happily. Someone to show me the good things of life again. I wanted and needed a man, but I didn’t get that desire. Instead I fought to stay positive on my own, strived to see the joy in life alone, and cried many tears to my pillow, instead of to my comfort and support. I might not need a man to provide money for me, but I do need him to provide so much more than that.

A few thoughts from the week

Mom and Dad came to visit at the beginning of the month. While they were here, Dad and I were able to have a really good conversation. It got me to thinking about what I could be doing better to help get out of this funk that I've been in. As I've been working on that a few things have stood out to me that I wanted to share.

First, I was reading a post on Normons again (I've decided that I really like that blog. It's deep and funny all at the same time. Love it!). This one was about Mothers and the Fall. The author was explaining what we believe about the Fall and she made a pretty powerful observation about part of our doctrine. She said "we believe there is purpose in suffering." I've heard countless times how there is opposition in all things/there is no joy without sorrow, but to have it put into such a relatable sentence made me stop and really think about the law of opposition.

Our sorrows and suffering aren't just there for us to have a good story to tell on the other side. We go through pain and anguish for a reason much more meaningful than that. Sometimes we have to deal with things that are far more than anyone should have to go through. But as we face these trials and heartaches, if we teach ourselves to turn to the Lord and ask for His help, we learn that maybe, just maybe, we can actually handle it. And as we learn that, the next time something comes along to throw us for a loop it takes less time for us to get back on track. Basically, we're teaching ourselves to allow the Atonement to work in our lives.

Second thing I wanted to share: I was reading in Daughters of My Kingdom for a Stake Relief Society meeting I have on Sunday. They asked us to read Chapter 8 which is about the priesthood in our lives. There was a quote in there by Elder John A. Widtsoe. He said "Men have no greater claim than women upon the blessings that issue from the Priesthood and accompany its possession." As I read that I came up with a great analogy. It's like really good bread. Only a few people know how to make it, but we can all eat its deliciousness. :)

As a parting thought: this past Sunday, the teacher asked us to write down our testimony of the Book of Mormon. I thought I'd share it with you because I don't often share my testimony and I should. So here goes nothing :)

I know that the Book of Mormon is true. Reading it brings peace and joy into my life. Living the gospel is what truly helps me to manage the tough times in my life. I made it through the past year. Even though it was ridiculously hard and I wanted to quit everything, I made it through because of my belief and trust in God. I still have my testimony and my relationship with my Savior. Both may have changed a little (or a lot), but they are still there and still strong. I'm so grateful for the Atonement. That I can turn to Christ to help heal me spiritually, mentally, and physically. There may be a lot of things that I don't know or don't understand, but here is a list of things that I do know and understand:

-I know that Christ lives.
-I know that the Atonement is far more important than I have ever imagined.
-I know that despite everything they do to make me mad or upset, I love my family.
-I know that my faith in Christ is what helps me to deal with all the trials in my life.
-I know that families are forever and I can't wait to see how many of us there are in the eternities.
-I know that trying to make it through this life alone is the hardest, most difficult, most stupid thing that you can do.
-I know that having others around you who are willing to listen and guide you through the tough times is priceless.
-I know that I love to sing, sometimes I don't hit the right notes, but after singing (especially songs of Christ) I am happy and at peace.
-I know that my parents love me so much more than I will understand at this point in my life.
-I know that my faith is strong. I would not still be active in the Church if it wasn't.
-I know that my relationship with Christ has changed, BUT I still have one with Him. I still rely on Him for many, many things.

Change

It's been a while since I updated this thing. A lot has happened and changed since then. Mostly though, I can't help but focus on how much I have changed. For better or worse, I am almost a completely different person than I was a year ago. I experience things in a way that I never thought I would. The way I relate to the most basic parts of me, my life, and my religion has shifted. Which, can I just say, has thrown me for quite the loop these past couple months.

Never before I have questioned who I am, I've always felt secure in me as a person - even during those awkward high school years, I was by no means outgoing or confident in my people skills, but I knew I was important in my own way and I liked the person I was. Finding myself wasn't something that I had to do, I was just me.

My religion has been a grounding place for me my whole life. When I was lost, confused, sad, or lonely I could turn to it and find peace. Finding that needed calm was never hard - it seemed to fall into my lap as though someone had just tossed it casually my way.

When I was in high school (or was it middle school..I can't remember exactly when) our then Stake President shared a letter he received from one of his daughters. In the letter his daughter spoke of the rough time she had had over her mother's passing. The daughter described the heartache and pain, but also the healing and comfort she found through Christ. She referenced a scripture in Philippians 4, it's verse 11 and says

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." 

This woman had been through one of the toughest trials in life at a young age and yet could come away from it with the courage to say, "yes, this shitty thing happened. But I will not let it define the rest of my life. I choose to be happy despite it all." I was in awe of her strength and faith. Since then I have kept that scripture in mind, I've basically made it my motto. Even when I didn't necessarily enjoy the path my life took, I would find the things to be happy about and focus on them instead.

Today I was reading a blog post at Normons.com (this is a website that a boy I grew up with started with some friends to try and explain how freakishly normal they are, even though they're Mormons.). This post was about Easter. The author, Brad, told a story about how he had gone to see the "Sacred Gifts" exhibit at BYU - they have awe-inspiring paintings by Carl Bloch, Heinrich Hofmann, and Frans Schwartz depicting Christ. Brad's favorite picture was The Mocking of Christ by Frans Schwartz. As he stood there staring at the painting, his mother came up behind him and said that she didn't like the painting because "Christ looked too angry". It took Brad by surprise that she would feel that way, he didn't understand how she could think that. Then he said something that was so deeply profound that I had to stop and think about it for a few minutes before continuing to read the post.

"My mom and I both needed something different from Christ. We each encountered Jesus differently.  And that is okay — in the end, He is Savior to us both.  And  because he suffered for each of our sins and experienced our doubts, fears, and frustrations, he knows us perfectly, too.  This allows him to come to us and speak to us as we need to be spoken to."

Reading that brought home something that I have been struggling with for a while. I saw myself as I was a year ago, relating to Christ as Brad's mom does - He's the kind, smiling, loving figure in the picture of Him I love the most. Then I saw myself as I am now, not sure how I relate to Him, not sure how I go about figuring out what I need from Him. That is when I realized that how I relate to Christ has changed because I have changed. And because I have changed, who I need Christ to be has changed also. I have more baggage now, more sorrows to weigh me down, more rocks in my backpack waiting for Him to come remove them. The Christ I need in my life has become something different, it's up to me to find out just who I need Him to be.